20 December 2011, 9:49 am
Really I guess I just want to rant about it... there's not many people I can talk too. I've been dating this guy for a little over a year now and our relationship is great. I love him so much, he treats me so well. like no guy has treated me before. There was this other guy right before i met my current boyfriend. He was my best friend for 2 years and we dated for a few months. He was my first true love... before him i was afraid to love. Then he changed one day and exploded. He didn't talk to me again after that summer. I decided the only thing i could do was try to move on (he wasn't coming back).. so when my current boyfriend asked me out i didn't let that hold me back. and everything was great... perfect even... yet, i still found myself missing the other guy like crazy... then over last summer my current boyfriend did something that devastated me and i missed the first guy even more. Then one day i was texting my mom about him, telling her how much i missed him, how i still loved him even after a year of not talking to him... and then she called me. When i answered she said she had run into the guy at the store, he had gotten a job at smiths... it was a dream come true... my mom told him to text me if i texted him... convinced him... and we started talking again. Then I was confused... I was so hurt by my current boyfriend and suddenly this first guy shows up and is back in my life ready to pick up the pieces. But he was too pushy, not patient... he would go on these huge rants, calling me terrible names, and making me feel so worthless. I realized I was going to make a mistake if i started dating him. so when my current boyfriend told me this next thing i was hoping with all my heart it would fix everything. My current boyfriend and my's year anniversary was coming up and he kept telling me he was going to fix everything that night. and if i didn't love him again by the end of the night he would let me go back to the first guy. I hoped my feelings would come back for him. We went to the drive in theater. I didn't want to cuddle with him, or kiss him... i was actually irritated by him trying because i missed a lot of the movie.... i thought to myself... im not going to love him again... then he took me to a park that we always went to... and he pulled out a box... and inside was a promise ring... i didn't take it at first, i was too shocked.. he was scared... then i took it... it was way too big lol... then he got his guitar out and played me a song he had written about me when we first started dating... and all at once everything flew into place and i started bawling like a baby. Every emotion i had felt in the past few months came out all at once. and then it was clear. i did love him.. i loved him so much... and i wanted to stay with him.. so thats what i did... and of course... the first guy.. .blew up... and he doesn't talk to me again. and i still love that son of a bitch... i can't stop... for over a year ive loved him... and its getting in the way of my current relationship... and my current boyfriend knows... i didn't tell him... he could feel it... he feels everything i feel... yesterday i was crying my eyes out.. partly over the old group of friends the first guy was associated with (because the first guy is the instigator of his group and they all hate me now too) but mostly because i still love the first guy. my current boyfriend looked me straight in the eyes and said... you still love him don't you... i heart broke. As he started to cry it broke even more... i reassured him i wasn't leaving him and that i was trying to get rid of these feelings...then he bottled it all up, stopped crying.. and pretended he was ok... i know this hurts him so much... I have become the thing you have nightmares about.. where your signifigant other is still in love with there past boyfriend or girlfriend and you wake up in their arms and realize it was just a dream... he can't wake up from that nightmare... i need to fix this... i want to get away from these feelings i have for the first guy... but how... closure?... talking to him again may cause a lot of trouble... i don't know...... Read More »
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